I'm an idiot

School

In 1979 I moved up to senior school. School was different in those days before the Margaret Thatcher and Tories gamified (gamification was not a thing in those days but it is what happened) schools. When you left Junior or Primary school (7-11 year olds) you then went to the Senior school that was closest to where you lived, you did not get to choose which school you went to. This is now a thing and this now means that schools are rated against each other and this has the effect that schools that do well attract the smarter children and the better teachers which then means that the other schools decline. I'm not saying that schools should not be inspected to make sure that they are adhering to standards and safe-guarding the children look after and educate. In fact they should be and those that are struggling should then be given more help to improve the state of education for all children, but I'm a socialist and what do I know.

So the other thing that happened in those days at school is the kids were grouped by their intelligence/ability, based upon how they did in their previous school. While this is probably the same in lots of schools now a days one of the schools that I worked at, 20 years ago, the new pupils were given a test to see how they best learnt and then they were grouped by learning styles rather than ability. This meant that all those who learnt best visually were in the same class and all those learnt best by doing were in the same class, etc. The teachers were also trained to adapt their teaching styles to match the class they were teaching.

Ancholme House

Our school was split over 2 campuses, called Ancholme House and Trent House, named after to 2 rivers to the West and East of Scunthorpe.

I was put into class A2, the classes were A1, A2, A3, B1, B2, B3, C1 and C2, so technically I was in second to top class and I remained in this class for my time there. In the early years, years 1 & 2 (now years 7 & 8), we were in a lower school called Ancholme House we only went to the upper school Trent House for Physical Education (PE) lessons. There were certain subjects that I excelled in and others I did not. Those that I did not excel in were particularly English and Religious Education (RE). My English teacher was also my form teacher and we got on well and he helped with what I struggled with. My RE teacher however I did not get on with.

It was not to long into my first year that my RE teacher had me put on report. Being on report meant that I had to take a form with me to every lesson and have it filled out by the teacher at the end of the lesson to say how I worked and behaved in their lesson. At the end of the week I had to take this form to the head of year and discuss how I had got on in my lessons. I was repeated told that I was the first person ever, from the second highest class, to be put on report and how I should be ashamed of myself. The outcome of this was that each week I got bad reviews from my RE teacher and all the others were positive, although I did struggle with the language subjects English & French.

My French teacher once gave me lines because I didn't do my homework. I had tried but I didn't understand and it looked like I'd done nothing. For these 100 lines I got a ruler and drew 100 lines on a piece paper, as you can imagine this did not go down well and I was put in detention and had to do 500 line, this time I had to write out some French phrase 500 times. To this day I can not remember what that phrase was, even though I'd written it many times over.

Trent House

In year 3 (year 9 now), we all moved up to the upper school or Trent House. This meant that we got a whole bunch of new teachers and a new form teacher. As we were in the top 2 classes we also got to do German. Due to the way the German teacher taught us I did really well and I was regularly top of the class in the subject and often got merit slips for the work I did.

We got a new English teacher, coincidentally she was married to the German teacher, I really struggled with her teaching style and often did very badly on her lessons and the homework that she set us. I really struggled with reading, especially when we were made to stand up and read out loud to the whole class. She repeatedly that I was an Idiot, stupid and and that I really should not be in this class as "I was holding the whole class back".

Options

In year 4 we had to take our options, decide which subjects we wanted to take for our O'Levels (2 years later O'Levels were replaced by GCSEs). Taking our options did not mean that we got to choose all the subjects that we wanted, we had to take English, Maths, 2 Sciences (Physics, Chemistry or Biology), 1 humanity (History or Geography). It was the rest of the subjects that we got to choose.

The subjects that I got to take were:

• English Language
• English Literature
• Maths
• Physics
• Chemistry
• Geography
• Woodwork
• Technology
• Art

I really wanted to do German but that would have meant that I could not do woodwork, which at that time in my life i wanted to be a furniture maker.

O'Levels

Being in the top 2 classes we had to take our O'Levels in English and Maths a year earlier than normal. This meant that because my birthday was right at the end of the academic year that I was only 14 years old when I passed my O'Level Maths. I completely failed my English Language, in fact I got a U (unclassified). Again my English teacher told me that I was an Idiot and stupid. It eventually took me 6 attempts to pass my English Language O'Level. This was important as the only 2 qualifications that I needed to get into my University course we O'Levels in English and Maths.

I didn't really want to do Geography either but the way that it fell I didn't have a choice. There was something about the Geography teacher I did not like (we'll come to that soon). He did not like me either, he also told me, in front of my parents at parents evening, that: "I was Stupid, I would fail his subject and that I would amount to nothing".

Becoming a Teacher

In 1992 I decided to train to become a Design Technology teacher. I went to Sheffield Hallam University to study this. Design Technology was a shortage subject in the new National Curriculum, which meant that there was a huge amount of funding for teachers of this subject. I absolutely loved being at University, it was very different to most University courses as it was highly practical and we had to spend many hours a week in the workshops learning the practical skills.

Education

One of the parts of the course that I found difficult was the Education lectures. Every Wednesday morning we had to leave the workshop and attend Education lectures and then discussion groups, where we learnt about Learning Styles, Legislation acts and Learning Difficulties. Each semester we were set an essay to write about a topic that we had learnt about, as I knew that I would struggle with this part of the course I would get the essay done the first week and get it handed in. That way I would not have it hanging over me for the rest of the semester. At first my lecturers told me that I couldn't hand it in so early, until we discussed my reasons behind this.

It was during these lectures that I first learnt about Dyslexia.the effects that it had on students and the methods to help with their learning styles.

Teaching Practice

A huge part of a Student Teacher's course was Teaching Practice, where you go into schools and get real experience teaching real lessons. This was so important that the first day of the course we were assigned a Primary Schools to go to on day 2 of the course and help out.

The main difference between Primary and Secondary schools is a Primary school the teachers teach the same students all day and teach all subjects. Whereas Secondary teachers specialise in 1 subject and the students have multiple teachers per day.

After spending a whole day in a Primary school I was so please that I was learning to be a Secondary school teacher. At the end of that first day I was exhausted and completely drained. To this day I am still in awe of Primary school teachers who have to spend the whole day day with the same ~30 children. At the end of that first day the pupils all got to lie down while the teacher read them a story and all I wanted to do was lie down with them.

Traumatising practice

My next teaching practice, I had to go into a school once a week on Thursday for 6 weeks. Here, for the first few weeks, I would shadow and help out the Head of Technology in his lessons. For the last 2 weeks these roles were reversed and I had to deliver the lessons and the Head of Technology would shadow me and help me out. The first thing that happened at the beginning of the day of week 5 was the Head of Technology told me that I couldn't give any of the year 10s (used to be Year 4) any knives for their Graphic Design lesson and showed me his jacket, that had been slashed multiple times (while he was wearing it). The next thing that happened was in the afternoon while I was teaching the year 11s. The policed came in and escorted one of the students out of the lesson. As you can imagine this was quite traumatising for someone new to teaching.

Final practice

The final teaching practice of my Teacher training course, I got to choose a school that I could do my time. I went back to the school that I attended as a child to see if I could do it there. I wanted to do that because it meant that I would get to work with the Design Technology teachers that had taught me and that I'd become friends with ever since I left school nearly 10 years prior.

It was a great time and I learnt a great deal. The Design Technology department was a completely separate area from the rest of the school and most days we didn't even need to leave this dedicated area.

As part of our Final teaching practice we were required to not only teach our specialist areas but also cover some other subjects and take on some pastoral work. I had a year 10 form group and I had to help out with a drama lesson. The hillarious part of the drama class was that I had to team-teach with my old Geography teacher. It was during this time that I worked out what I really did not like about him. He was not a career teacher and not doing it to help educate children but instead he was just turning up and going through the process. He was just biding his time until he could retire. He never did anything more than he had to.

Over the years I have come across to many of these kinds of teachers but fortunately these kind of teachers are hugely in the minority, teaching is massively a vocation. It is a huge shame that, like nursing (the 2 skills we need more of), that there is no true career progression, teachers can become a Head of Year, Head of Department or Head Teacher but this is not a progression it is a move into management and most teacher are not trained to be managers. When a teacher becomes a manager then the school loses a good teacher and most teachers get into teaching to make a difference to children's lives not to run a school. This is one of the main reasons that I left teaching.

The other thing that happened during my time at the school was that I got to spend time with my old English teacher, the one who repeatedly told me I was an Idiot. At first she was delighted to meet me again and had completely forgotten the way that she had behaved towards me. I did remind her, to which she apologised. I also spoke to her about Dyslexia and asked her what her thoughts were about this. She confidently told me that Dyslexia was a myth and that these people were just stupid. I just got up and walked away and I never spoke. with her again.

First Teaching post

So my first teaching post was at a Public Boys School (Public school in the UK does not mean Public that would be a Comprehensive School), for kids with Learning difficulties and specifically Dyslexia. This meant that there was a specific SEND (Special Educational Needs and Disabilities) teacher who helped those children with their understanding of English.

I was here that I truly got a grasp on what it meant to be Dyslexic and how it affected the pupils in different ways. I also started to understand that there was nothing wrong with having Dyslexia and that it just meant that Dyslexic brains worked in a different way to what the tradition was thought of. The pupils that I spoke were all very bright and were super good at problem solving and visual awareness.

Working with the SEND teacher we worked out that I also suffered with Dyslexia and that for the subjects that I was teaching that this was a really good thing and that not only was I able to teach them in a better way but I also had empathy with them all.

Why

So why am I saying you all of this?

Last year for me was an horrendous time. I started suffering with anxiety and depression. I started not believing in myself. I started suffering with Imposter Syndrome. I thought that nobody liked me. My mum was diagnosed with Leukemia and her Dementia was rapidly getting worse. I was constantly feeling stupid and that I was an Idiot. Eventually at the end of the year my mum died.

When I got back from Glastonbury Festival I decided that it was time that I reached out and got some help. I went to the Doctor and they recommended to me Newham Talking Therapies. I was added to a group therapy sessions and after the first session it was highlighted to me that this was not right for me.

They tried to get me onto 1-2-1 therapy session but that was not able and I'd have to join a waiting list and that if I joined that now it would clash with the trips that I had planned to Germany and South East Asia. So I was advised to re-apply once I got back from the trips. This is a good thing as with my mum passing away in late October I just would not have been in the right place for this anyway.

In January this year, I contacted Newham Talking Therapies once again. After a few days they got back to me and they told me that I'd been added to the waiting list for 1-2-1 therapy and the wait could be up to 8 weeks.

Therapy

I eventually started my therapy on Thursday 26 March, this was very fortunate because the 6 weekly sessions perfectly aligned with all the upcoming travel and work I had planned.

I literally had no clue what to expect from these therapy sessions, part of my mind was thinking that I would be asked a bunch of questions and then I would be told do A, B, and C and you will be fixed, or maybe that is just what I was hoping.

Each week a couple of days before my sessions I was sent a link to a questionnaire where I would answer a set of question on how I was feeling. The Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9) is a screening tool for depression and I should answer based on how you've felt over the last 2 weeks, alas my Dyslexia completely missed the "felt over the last 2 weeks" and I just answered how I felt at the time. This was until something went wrong and my score was not recorded and then my therapist had to ask me the questions at the beginning of my 3rd session.

So my first week my therapist explained to me how it was all going to go. Firstly they pointed out that if I didn't fill out the PHQ-9 online then they would need to do this at the beginning of the session. They highlighted to me that everything that I said during the sessions was completely confidential, unless if I said that I was thinking of harming myself or someone else and then that would need to be reported. They said that these sessions were mine and that I could use them to say anything that I wanted. They pointed out that I didn't need to say anything and that I wouldn't be prompted to say anything, I also would not be asked anything.

Usually when asked to say anything, in situations like these, I just dry up and say nothing. While in the first session this did happen for a time and then I started talking about how I felt stupid that I was here and that I felt that I should not be here taking up someone elses place and that I was being selfish. On my way home form my first session I walked home, which was about 3 miles, and I thought about why i was doing this, should I be doing this, should i be taking up someone elses space, should I go back the next week and was I actually going to get anything out of this.

The second week, I did go back. At the beginning, again, I didn't know what to say although we did talk about the march the previous weekend where we had met briefly before it started. After a while of me know talking I started talking about how I felt stupid and that this had been a constant in my life since my English teacher had told me that I was an Idiot and stupid.

Over the following weeks, I tried each week to go with a topic of something that I should talk about, again I felt that I was being stupid and wasting an opportunity if I just sat there and said nothing.

Things that came out of my therapy

My thoughts and not wrong

Repeatedly while I was in the therapy sessions I kept questioning what I was saying and whether what I was thinking. My therapist kept pointing out to me that these thoughts were what I was thinking and that as they are my thoughts they were what I was believing and hence that they have to be correct.

I am not stupid

So it turns out that you believe what you are told as a child and that that stays with you for a long time, if not forever. There are lots of things that prove to me that I am not stupid and I just need to remember this. While there are many times and things that I often struggle with, this is mostly because it in not my specialism, I need to remember this and when I don't know something rather than attacking myself I need to ask for help.

People do not hate me

This is something that I have been struggling with for a while. Staying in touch with people is really important to me and I still communicate with people I have known for decades. Although it always seams to me that I'm the one that is reaching out to people and it is not a two way process. My brain then starts telling me that people don't like me and that then only every respond when I reach out to them. I have to realise that this is probably partly because I have mostly left the social media platforms that people use. Whenever I meet people in person they are always happy to see me.

What is next?

Newham talking Therapies have added me to a CBT, 4 week course, which is nothing to do with gummies that get you high but Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Which is a type of talking therapy where a therapist helps you to change how you think and act.

I need to start being proud of the work that I do. I am very proud of what I do for MDN (Mozilla Developer Network) but when it comes to telling people about it I'm often scared about what people might think and this is just nonsense so each month I shall start to add a list of the things that I have worked on that month.

I need to stop thinking of Pull Request reviews as criticism and more eyes to check that things are right, readable and understandable.

I need to think that people not replying straight away doesn't mean that they don't like me and more that they may be busy, not have seen my message.

I need to aks for help when I am stuck, rather than just thinking I'm an idiot.

I need to realise that there may be errors in the things that I write, but I can correct it.

There is more that I need to add to this but at the moment I don't know and I can add it later, because this is my website and get to choose what goes here.